How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
