I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
