my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
