shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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