my shit smells like andre
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
