I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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