I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
