maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
