They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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