i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize