the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize