you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
