I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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