my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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