Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
