i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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