just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
