I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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