Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Swine flu. Run for my life!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
