Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
