I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
