Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Randomize
