i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
