My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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