you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
