Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
