Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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