What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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