singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
