she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I intend to get homeless drunk
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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