What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
