my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize