he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
