she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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