Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
