dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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