The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
sarcasm needs its own font
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
