i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
