my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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