I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
