the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
