Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
