FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
