I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
