i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
