my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize