maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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