Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
