I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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