I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
