it's not cheating when I paid for it
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
