We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
