new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
