literally had 100 drinks last night.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am available for nakedness
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
