I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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