i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
