fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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